As much as I complain about being in my early twenties, existing purely off iced mochas and expensive salad dressing, I’m enjoying this a hell of a lot more than I enjoyed my teens. I’m particularly pleased that I’m no longer mystified and in awe of sex. I’ve been thoroughly disillusioned by now, and I’ve also figured out what to do with my teeth when kissing someone, which really baffled me before I’d actually kissed someone.

Sex, before you have it, exists in a completely different reality than the sex you actually have as an adult. This is partly because of the sex scenes in movies we peeped at through our fingers, embarrassed because our parents were in the room. Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic set my standards way too high, let me tell you.

Sex scenes in movies are guilty of doing a bit of tidying, of cutting out the messy, hilarious bits of sex. It’s an idealisation, but often an idealisation that still contains the appearance of intimacy and emotion. And I don’t think there’s anything inherently morally wrong with getting off on watching other people have sex; we’re animals after all, it’s not hard to figure out why it appeals to us.

Porn, on the other hand, has a great deal to answer for. Porn is guilty of not only tidying up the act, but also tidying up the people doing it. No one is that hairless and shiny, and honestly I’d be deeply alarmed if they were. Some of the actors in porn look so oiled up that I think I’d slide straight off them.

Porn doesn’t just idealise sex, it fabricates it. There’s a difference between suggesting that people seamlessly change positions and suggesting that all women love being slapped across the face without so much as a by your leave. Porn deconstructs all the realities of sexual intimacy and creates a violent, misogynistic fantasy in its place. 88% of porn scenes contain an act of aggression, and we all know that it’s easy to fall into a pornographic rabbit hole where the content that you are consuming becomes more and more extreme.

When I’ve watched porn, I’ve found myself assailed by one, inescapable thought: ‘Is she okay?’ That isn’t to assume that women are incapable of choosing to act in porn, and I’m sure some women really enjoy it. But as a woman who has had sex with men who think they’re in a porn film, it’s quite a dehumanising experience. I’m talking about the men who think it’s okay to just take off their belt and choke you with it, the men who think that they can lean down and call you a slut.

Porn creates a sexual reality that damages everyone who is taken in by it. Men are expected to be incredible, aggressive and versatile in bed, and are held to obscene body standards. Porn teaches men that women are up for everything and teaches women that they should be. And really, it all comes down to consent, but it’s hard to say no to someone who’s choking you so hard you can’t speak. I’m not saying that women don’t want to be thrown around – I’m saying you have to ask.