The House has rejected May’s deal. Compromise has been offered, and met with a decisive, uncompromising no. 432 votes against 202. There is no plan B in sight, It’s all looking rather dire. But fear not, Brexiteers and Remoaners alike! You can still save the day! As the chips are stacked, a no-deal Brexit, as well as as a no-Brexit, are both more likely than ever!

Let’s start start with no-deal: the love child of hard-liners everywhere. Lets recall Boris Johnson’s transition from backing EU membership as the mayor of London, through him asking Michael Gove “is everything going to be all right?” after the referendum, to now producing Telegraph columns advocating the many venerable benefits of a no-deal Brexit. Boris is a smart man, clearly his infinite wisdom has simply refrained from rubbing off on the rest of the populous. Whatever grand insights Johnson has gleaned from his post-Brexit crystal ball, they have failed to manifest themselves in the economic and mathematical sciences, which we petty mortals so desperately rely on. But fear not! Whilst his vision of a truly independent Britain may be obscure to the common man, it’s never been more probable. In 2015, a majority of the publicly elected representatives to parliament  voted in favour if a referendum to determine our place in the European Union. With May’s closeted Remainer deal now at last defeated, the country is now safely on course to leave the EU without anything even close to an agreement on how to conduct our intertwining affairs in the years to come. A truly ‘Great’ Britain is free to make its own deals and pursue its own interests, like turning Kent into a glorified trailer park. Funnily enough, the UK relies more on its EU partners than ever: the EU will have to implode in order to justify this bloody mess. All parliament has to do, is nothing.

That sounds rather grim to brain-cell possessing readers. Why worry? While a no-deal Brexit is more probable than ever, so is no Brexit! A cross-party contingent were recently revealed to have conspired to rebuke Standing Order 14 once May’s deal failed, in a literal case of ‘locker room talk’. It’s a lot more significant than it sounds. Standing Order 14, which has been the backbone of parliamentary process since Charles Stewart Parnell’s campaign of obstructionism in the 1880’s: governmental business always has precedence over parliamentary issues. Should this be revoked, the government would never be given the time of day to table a Plan B deal, let alone vote on it, whilst parliamentarians like Nicky Morgan, Sir Ollie Letwin and Nick Boles, could sit back, sip a nice glass of port, and bide their time before scheduling a vote against die-hard, no deal Brexiteers – a fight they’re bound to win in the Commons in a climate where Brexit means no safeguards, and Remain means Norway plus, to the point of Sweden.

But buyer beware. No Brexit means a volte-face on a referendum that compelled the largest contingent of voters in a generation. You may avert Brexit in the short run, but you enable half the population, who have never felt stronger about any issue in half a century, to usher it through my nastier means, with a nastier party. Be careful what you wish for.